The Truth Behind the Smile
by Stolen Valkyrie
Summary: AngstCharacter Death. There is no fairytale ending for the Sanzo party at the end of the Yellow Brick Road.


**Disclaimer**: I own nothing Saiyuki.

**Warning: THIS CONTAINS A SAIYUKI RELOAD SPOILER!!! If you are uncomfortable with this, DO NOT READ FARTHER! Also, MAJOR ANGST! If you do not wish to read either, please do not continue. You have been duly warned.**

**Author's note: **I wrote this for a friend in a day and a half. It was a story idea I couldn't pass up, so... well anyway. I'm tired and I just came home from school lol please read and review. Constructive criticism absolutely appreciated.

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**The Truth Behind the Smile**

Talk about a terrible family curse.

It was a calm April morning. The sun peeked shyly through the clouds, illuminating the light frost that clung tentatively to the pagoda ceiling. It was the kind of day that you knew would be completely ruined if anything went wrong: it was that perfect.

It was the kind of day she died on, four years ago.

We had completed our journey, a whopping year and 3 months, two weeks, and four days (not that I was counting) from Chang'an Temple, China to Houtou Castle, India at 8:15 that morning, driving slowly through those imposing metal arches before arriving at the main doors. The welcoming party of brainwashed and bar-coded demons, almost a bad forgery of Orwell, met us and their doom. Only after we had provided our own "red" carpet were we allowed to enter. Goku, trying to lighten the incredibly serious and tense mood, gave us a smile and informed us that they weren't worth those precious calories. Sanzo snorted in a way only Sanzo could, and Gojyo clapped him on the back.

Just like normal.

And, just like normal I smiled an appreciative smile and we went on our way.

...That's what should have happened.

Instead, I found that I couldn't smile.

I couldn't think.

I could barely stand.

* * *

As we neared the throne room of the illustrious king of demons, our unseen foe from throughout the entire journey, we saw the damaged walls, the claw gouges on the floor, and the charred tapestries. I asserted that the cause was internal strife, and was accordingly believed and blown off. Being right hurt less every time. 

No one said a word throughout the long walk down the winding hallways. As appreciated as it was, it was so unusual as to throw me off. Even Sanzo, being the wound-up, paranoid monk that he was, didn't seem to be perturbed by the hanging silence. It seemed like a walk to the store... albeit a quiet one. Not to what perhaps would be our doom, and the end of humanity on both sides of the Yangtse.

At least Goku heard them before they came. The arrows, propelled towards us from all sides by a hidden mechanism, had been released by a false step. My false step.

I saw my life flash before my eyes.

I fell to the ground, pinned below Sanzo. Later they would say it was a fluke, that I was a little off – was I feeling all right? They'd make their excuses as to why "Old Faithful" didn't come through for them. Why, for once, the sentinel had checked out early. Never again would they rely on my protection. Never again would they look at me with the same reliance.

And as I slowed the blood flowing from Gojyo's shoulder I knew that this was what my moment of indecision, that knot in my stomach, caused.

And as he searched my green, working eye with his piercing red ones, I found that I couldn't reassure him with a smile.

I couldn't think.

I didn't stand.

I looked away.

* * *

The final confrontation. I remember very little of the conversation between the Jade Empress and ourselves. Goku told me later that I had called everything: the blackmail of Kougaiji, his love for his mother that made him fight for something he did not believe; the greed of the Jade Empress and the wanted sacrifice of her only daughter for her own advancement; the warped mind of the former High Priest Ukoku Sanzo, now called Ni Jenyi. His motives not even I could guess, and now no one will be able to ask. I can't remember saying a thing, but I don't doubt Goku. I've only been wrong once. 

As soon as Goku took a step forward to meet Kougaiji in battle, my memory and senses clicked on. Apparently the sentinel checked back in. I could taste the blood from my dry, cracked lips. I could smell the smoke from Sanzo's beloved gun. I heard the groans and cries of my companions. I felt my muscles flex and become more limber with every jump, every evasion. The raw energy that I harnessed as my weapon left my body with efficiency and accuracy. I couldn't be stopped.

And as I stood before the Jade Empress, my demon limiters humming in my ear from the tremendous amount of demon energy I was using, I heard it. It was nothing more than a gasp, really. I was with him in my mind as he slowly dropped to the floor, eyes dilated with the shock of the injury. I felt the blood from his ruptured organs as it made its way up his throat, and I could hear him inhale it as he choked, traced it as it flowed into his lungs; filling them, forcing out the air.

I knew who had done it. Who repeated his name now with disbelief, like a child who realized that Mother would never be coming back. Who had killed his own mother to save his kid brother. His red-headed, half-blooded kid brother Gojyo. My best friend. I heard his cries, his attempts to help, his angry yells to us, his sorrow. I heard the nothing of the witnesses and the last breaths of life from the mortally injured.

And then I heard something I did not expect.

I heard him whisper my name.

I heard him whisper my name, and I knew there was nothing I could do. For the second time in my life, despite all the training and hard work, despite the forced politeness and the calculated isolation, I would lose someone important to me, and there was nothing I could do.

And as I held his dead body, I wept.

* * *

Somehow, perhaps through divine intervention, I was allowed to bury him outside of the apartment we shared. I managed through the quiet ceremony, just the three of us. Son Goku, Genjo Sanzo, and myself. Cho Hakkai. The Murderer. It helped to have them near, and although Sanzo said he would never chant a sutra for the dead, I'm sure that this one was for Gojyo. And that made it sting a little more. 

Sanzo offered to put me up at the temple, to, in his words that spoke softer than his actions "run errands." I declined his offer, kind as it was, and watched the monk and his charge retreat into the distance after awkward goodbyes. Only Goku looked back, once, when he thought I might not be looking. When he caught my gaze he looked away quickly, ashamed. That was the final straw, then.

I think I'm glad that Sanzo was smart enough to check in on me, and collected enough to deal with my bleeding wrists and my floating intestines before I lost too much blood. As he lifted me out of the warm bath with that look of stoic disappointment, I knew that this time I couldn't smile.

I couldn't think.

I may never stand.

I looked away.

He wasn't there.

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Thanks for reading everyone! Please review! - Stolen Valkyrie 


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